remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
