My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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