the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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