I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
