I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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