I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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