hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
