I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
