So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
