my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
