Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
