omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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