If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
