she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
