he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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