I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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