she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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