someone threw a dead crab at me
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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