hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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