Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
