Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
