My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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