I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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