I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
