Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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