someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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