do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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