she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
