so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
