her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
