bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
