The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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