last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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