I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
