nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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