I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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