anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
