Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
