im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Less talking, more tequila
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
