you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
