I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
