So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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