Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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