I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
