ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
