You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
