New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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