I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
