the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
