the condom got lost in my hair
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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