Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My ass is underappreciated
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
